Anti Paradise Philippines

The Paradise Philippines has one of the simplest cuisines in the world, and much of what passes for food in this country would gag a drunken Scotsman.

Filipinos don't mind eating something that is looking at them. In fact, studies show that dining is more pleasurable when you see the animals's last pitiful expression of sorrow and torment as it was viciously tortured before finally being slaughtered by some fat butcher named Fredo.

When preparing meat, just deep fry the motherfucker in a vat of lard, and there you go! Philippine cuisine involves killing pigs (as violently as possible) and roasting them pagan-banquet style. Pretty much anything organic served with genetically-modified white rice and a spoon is considered a meal. Filipino cuisine must always be cheap and contain as much cholesterol and fat as possible. Well, at least you'll die happy from the stroke.

• Adobo is the most accepted and most uniform way to prepare meat by cooking the poor animal in its own bodily juices. Almost anything can be made "adobo" including dogmeat but thats one way of getting rid of the damn stray dog (and cat) problem.

• Halo-halo is a dessert where red beans, jello, lima beans, jizz, coconut husks, bamboo shoots, dead batteries, and paint thinner, are mixed in a bowl. A couple of d ice cream scoops are often topped to make it "special" (whatever that meant).

• Dinuguan is an apalling dish consisting of pig's blood and shredded pig offal (usually ears) that no Filipino really likes. However, because the Filipino has a deep-seated aversion to throwing out any food no matter how inedible, most feel compelled to try it. The Muslims in the south find this disgusting and haram but they're Muslim and nobody cares what they think.
• Pancit is usually made of thin noodles as greasy as possible and add assortment of random meats like pork (as always), beef, chicken, shrimp, rat, etc. A good pancit should have no flavor.

• Lambanog is distilled liquor made of coconut sap that is usually 70% alcohol and 30% plutonium. The more the alcohol content and the faster it shuts down the brain the better. A lambanog hangover is a fate worse than death.

Sonafamothafuckinbitch! What in the name of all that's holy is this crap! It tastes like crap served with even crappier crap that just came out of Rick James' ass mixed with R Kelly's doo doo butter!
~ Captain Obvious on Balut

• Ube, a huge, glowing purple yam. It's "enriched" to produce a supersweet jam substance akin to uranium yellowcake. It's also the best-selling ice cream flavor among Filipinos, and yes, it's PURPLE!!!!

• Dogs have been known to disappear in the Philippines and reappear cooked and skeletonized. More popularly known as Azucena. Hey, were not exactly first world here.

• Ratsilog is deep fried sewer rat with garlic fried rice and a fried egg. Served at Jollibee with fried coffee.

• They'll deep fry your T-shirt in Jollibee if you ask nicely. Or sometimes if you don't ask at all, and that includes while you're still wearing it.

• 90% of all cell phones snatched near Colon Street in Cebu wind up in the deep fryer at the local Jollibee, where Nokiasilog is a particularly sought-after delicacy. Followed closely by Motorolasilog and Sonyericssonsilog.

• Balut is a premature/aborted duck chick/fetus still in its shell. It is used by most Filipinos as an initiation tool for poor foreigners who don't know what it is. It is also the reason that abortion issues are still being debated in the country.

• Taho is a tasteless mixture of bean curd and tapioca balls. Usually drizzled with molasses to make this hippie crap tolerable.

• Beer na Beer is a beer whose name can transliterated to "It's really beer!" Goes great for celebrations like parties, gatherings, funerals, etc.

• San Mig Light is, according to most Filipinos, the greatest beer in the world. Hell, it's the only light beer in the counrty. It's basically beer diluted with sewage water to make taste like a light beer. If you get drunk off it, you will feel a sudden burst of energy that makes you want to take off your clothes and run around naked.

• Puto, small rice cakes, is not to be confused with the Spanish word for George W Bush.

• Chicharon Bulaklak is deep-fried pig foreskin with salt. Best served with spicy vinegar.

• Sorbetes or dirty ice cream, is homemade ice cream sold on the street. As the name implies it is 'dirty' and god-knows-what else is in that thing. One look at the scary hobo that usually sells this stuff and you bet you would get like fifty infections tops.

The Balut: Is it dead? C'mon let's eat the motherfucker!LOLZ!

• Ispageti (Philippine spaghetti) is one of the popular dishes here. You can catch this delectable dish at kids birthday parties, town fiestas and at funeral wakes. Its sauce consist mostly of sugar, sliced red (yes, RED!!!) hotdogs, a gallon of banana catsup (that's Filipino ketchup), ground pork (again! Or beef, or chicken, or whatever), filled cheese, and hardly any tomato sauce. The noodles should be super soggy (al dente noodles are for homos). It's so popular that you can actually buy this popular treat at American fast food joints such as McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, Pizza Hut, Carl's Jr., Popeye's, KFC, El Pollo Loco, Starbucks, TGI Fridays and at ACE Hardware Stores nationwide.

• Tae ng Kalabaw is a very popular dessert. Made from brown carabao milk, it was discovered by the Spaniards in 1592.

• LeChe flan is also a very popular dessert. "LeChe" in English means "made of shit", which, coincidencially, is made of shit. The main ingredients are animal shit, Jell-O, and any other weird shit of choice.

• Filipino college students are known to be excessive cheapskates, even when it comes to food. They don't mind living on preservatives, carcinogens, and toxic waste as long as it's cheap. Hence the Siomai Rice Meal. Usually priced at 30 pesos (or less), this meal consists of genetically modified rice, with four pieces of deep-fried siomai (pork dimsum) on the side. Students usually order extra servings of rice and kerosene soy sauce (which has to be Marca Piña-salty) for free. They'd even go for second servings of rice, thirds even! How they manage to fit those tiny crap dumplings with mounds and mounds of rice remains a mystery to others, especially amongst elitists (Ateneans, LaSallians, etc). Now that's bat fucking insane!!! And dirt poor to boot!!

Labels: Paradise Philippines, philippine food, pinoy cuisine