(or Pinoys, as they prefer to call themselves) have a pair of eyes, ears and nostrils, two arms and legs much like humans. They pout and use their lips instead of their fingers to point to things. They can understand each other using various body languages and gestures without uttering a word. Filipinos have this secret sign called "the floating rectangle." In restaurants, they make a shape of a rectangle in the air to signal to the waiters using their thumbs and index fingers which means "the food here sucks, give us the goddamn bill." At home, a Pinoy family's hospitality is renowned worldwide. They will more than happily accept over $500 worth of pasalubong, food and groceries, but will be extremely insulted if you offer to make even one grilled cheese sandwich.
To get a Filipino's attention, just say "Hoy!
", or "Psstttt!
", or "Pssst uyy!!!
". If this approach fails, yell "DOG!" and they will turn around, fangs bared and eyes bulging, saying "WHERE?!"
They have an appendage called a celfone which they use to communicate with their herd. This body part, if taken from the Filipino, will result in paranoia. This makes it easier for biologists to identify the Filipinos in the wild, since they have their individual IMEI numbers which the scientists can track. Filipinos immediately respond to celfone messages rather than any emergency and calls you can imagine.
Whitening cream and transexualism is very popular with Filipinos. Over half of the GDP comes from these two interests.
They really really love Air Supply, Michael Learns to Rock, and Bon Jovi.
Willie Garte, Diomedes Maturan, Ruben Tagalog, Victor Wood, Pilita Corales, Bing Rodrigo, Weng Weng, Joaquin Fajardo, Romy Diaz, Rod Navarro, Edgar Mortiz, Apeng Daldal and Raganciano Kapitapitagan Junior are the national heroes.
There exists two subcultures in this race, the "coños" (a name for the pinoy bourgeoisie, it actually means "cunt" in Spanish. Yeah you know, pink tacos, pussy, pink hole, etc.) and the "jologs".
The coños flaunt their superficiality through extravagant lifestyles and kissing American capitalism's ass. Examples of such are Tim Yap, Tessa Prieto Valdez, Kris Aquino and all the Zobels, Ayalas, Elizaldes, Cojuancos, Madrigals and the Aranetas that walk the face of the earth. Their vocabulary includes using the word "like" and "prrrrang" (two separate words, usually used together... "like... prrrang... um... like... prrrang... uh, like yeah, that one...
"). Do not forget the "you know" plus "kase eh", then it becomes "like... prrrang.. um like you know kase eh... uhm you know
? like, like that oh
And then there are the "jologs" or the masses, who want to be like the coños but can't because of the poverty and corruption. What can I say, coños can be hogs sometimes. Their wardrobe consists of third world coño-wannabe shirts that have (intentionally?) bad spelling, ie. Mike (Nike), Gutshy (Gucci), Praba (Prada), Skaters (Skechers), Havanas (havaianas) etc. (The list goes on, thanks to the enterprising Chinese proprietors also known as the Tokwas)
A new sub-culture has been formed with the arrival of Flip immigrants. These despicable beings try with their honest best to imitate black gangstas. They carry machetes in their trousers, completely unaware of the risk they are taking if they weren't Flips. This should only be attempted by Flip gangsters - they have nothing to worry about cutting off something down there. Flip rap, white bandanas, and oversized shirts are all the rave for these young failures. They have actually sunk below the black gangstas in the aspect of speech. English dialect consists of the few expletives there are mixed with random placements of "your mom". Otherwise, only an undistinguishable jabber of clicking and clucking they call a language is used to communicate.
Evolution is also evident in the Philippines. Charles Darwin would have been elated if he were alive today. A man is commonly called Filipino and a woman is called Filipina. The past few years have seen the emergence of a new race - the half-Filipino, half-Filipina - or in local language, the ''Bakla''. Scientists are baffled about how this new breed propagates, as there is no evidence that they ever get pregnant.
Filipino-Americans like Kirk Hammett have increased the awareness of Filipinos to metal and hard rock, but this has since been reduced by the appearance of that one guy from the Black Eyed Peas whom no one knows.
Labels: Paradise Philippines